Working Momma

As the country goes to hell in a hand basket we are feeling the crash of the waves of the 1% ruling the USA. We've been feeling it for a long time now. My husband has been looking for work away from the construction industry since there is nothing being built anymore. My father is worried he may not have any work soon as he works in the building industry too. My mother hasn't had a class scheduled in months because attendance is down so low in all classes. We're all feeling the pinch. Just a couple weeks ago my husband got paid we literally had negative amount of money to live on for two weeks after the bills were paid. We couldn't really afford groceries anymore. And with four adults, one toddler boy, and a baby boy all needing to eat a minimum of three times a week... well, we were in need of more income.

It was good-bye to my life as a stay at home mother and time to get back into the workforce. I am very lucky that within days of applying for a few positions I had a job. A week after applying I was walking into an office to start earning the bucks to help keep my family afloat. My mother has been watching my children while I go to work. It's taking a toll on her. She is tired. It's been a week and half. But we all have to make adjustments. We have to work together to stay living life. In a few years we will all have big ticket items paid off if we can only keep the income flowing. I try to keep positive. My mother's worry and constant freaking out kind of makes it a little difficult but I think we're going to be okay. We just have to stay strong and work hard. Ha. Work hard. As if we all haven't been doing that our whole lives and this is where we are. Broke and worried.

We are the 99%.

Reading Does a Body Good

I've been reading Born to Run by Christopher McDougall. It has been one of those books that I stay up late reading and when I put it down I feel inspired. When I read about these amazing, superhuman-like Ultra Runners I just feel like getting out in the world and doing so much more than I ever thought was possible. Speaking about running specifically for a moment, I just starting running four months ago. I have completed a 5K race in the middle of the pack. I am training now to run a 10K in four weeks. I am not doing so well as I haven't been putting in the miles like I should. But when I read more of this book and learn more about the famous and even not so famous ultra runners out there I am pumped! I imagine what it must look like to watch them run for 50, 100, or 500 miles. I can't fathom what that must be like. I try to read every tidbit of information about form, shoes, style, breathing, diet, everything so that one day I can run those long distances too.

And it's not just about the running. When I hear about people who have the dedication and desire and passion to run across the country or across a desert and put in hundreds of miles a week just running well, I take a look at what I'm doing and think I better kick it into gear! I have never felt so happy to run. I feel better about life when I run. I am not so moody after a run which I am sure my husband and two kids really appreciate because I can be an exhausting roller coaster of emotions. I push myself when I run. I mean, I could push harder but when I'm on the trail or path and it's just me and the sunset and I'm running towards it like if I don't get there then the world might end. It brings me peace. When I feel the air against my face, pushing the hair from my eyes, and feeling the ground beneath me...I feel peaceful. That is until my lungs or shins or calves start burning and then I refocus. But that is good too. I can be very in tune with myself and honestly I don't listen to myself enough so this is a good lesson in that.

I can't wait to keep on with my list of books to keep me learning, inspired, and on the road.

Thank goodness for literature.

You Will Be Injured

I have started reading quite a bit about running and runners and all that goes with the sport. I am also in process of training for a 10K that is in about four weeks. This will be my longest distance so far. I'm nervous. But while reading about these amazing, super human ultrarunners, I am becoming more and more inspired with greater goals to reach for. However, one thing that I keep reading and coming across is that all runners get injured. There is no way around it. You will be injured.

Well, this I know already. The first two weeks I started to run at all my knees were a mess. This is what they looked like after my husband taped them with Kinesio tape.

They hurt and ached like I had never felt before. The tape worked along with a regiment of Fish Oil and joint compound vitamins. And so I continued on with my quest to become a runner.

Just yesterday I made it to four miles. I had a break between mile two and three but I still felt good and like I was really getting the hang of this running thing. Then about half way through mile three I felt an uncomfortable pain start in my knee and it just kept getting worse. I stopped a few times to massage my knee. I could feel a big knot in there. I can still feel it. But I managed to make it all the way to mile four. Whew! I know I am never going to get better if I just keep walking during my runs. I take too many breaks in my opinion. So, I pushed on. Then I took an Ibuprofen and stretched and it by mid afternoon it certainly seemed better.

I had an appointment to participate in a focus group that evening at 5:30 and while sitting there I could feel it starting up again. Maybe the Ibuprofen had worn off. I don't know but it was slowly kicking back into Painsville. After focus group I headed straight for a concert. We parked pretty far out so as to miss the traffic after the show. I looked at my husband and said, "let's run there." It was only about a quarter mile but no sooner did we stop for traffic at about 250 meters did I feel that intense pain in my knee. The hill to get down into the Pavilion was excruciatingly painful to maneuver down as my knee just started on fire. To make matters worse, I decided to jump up and down and rock out all night on my bum knee. I had to limp all the way out and back to the truck with a stiffened straight left leg.  I called it my Pimp Gimp Walk.

Today luckily it feels slightly better but not much. I am supposed to be running three miles today with some sprint intervals at the end. I do not see how that is going to happen. But I gotta say that the more I am held back and the less miles I can pack into my week, the worse I feel. I think to myself that I am never going to be a long distance endurance runner at this rate. But I just have to keep on. I know it will come and that injuries come to all. I can't over train or run on injured knees or I will really end up hurting myself and not be able to run at all. And now that it is practically my salvation for sanity I just can't have accept not running as an option.

So here's to the injured runners. May we heal quickly and effectively so that we may run a million miles.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.

Four Months of Tough Days...

and many more ahead.

It's been that long since you've gone. I have pulled it together enough to keep on with life. I keep the pain inside and don't let my tears shed unless I have a quick moment to myself and my thoughts. And when I think of all the things I still want to tell you I feel the aching hurt consume my entire being. I don't know how we get on in our hearts when we lose someone close to us.

The thing is that no one ever knew how much I loved him and no one will ever know. I myself just realized the depths of my love for you when you died. And you know, it's not like I would ever swap my husband for you. I love him more and he is the most amazing man I could ever ask for, truly is the best person for me and the best husband, father, everything. He is my love. That said, I still feel an empty space in my heart just for you. It was because of you and our relationship that really molded much of who I am today. Our friendship although rocky and sporadic, was still one of my most cherished friendships to this day. And even though is was always and still is very much a secretive kind of relationship and friendship I still feel that we knew it was special and that's what really mattered.

It has been hard these last few months. The next rest of my life will be much the same. It isn't fair or understandable when people die so young. Everyone who welcomed you into their lives loved you more than words could describe. We all miss you with an unfathomable pain and depth into our hearts that hurts each and every day.

See you in the sunrise and the sunset my friend. Love you always.

Should be working, need to be venting

It's Monday. Oh, glorious Monday. On this day I have a huge list of things that need to get done for work. I should be working on them right now but I am so stressed out about all of it already that if I don't spend ten minutes ranting about the situation I might explode.

Being able to work at home and stay here with the kids is supposed to be rewarding. It is supposed to be happiness and rainbows and joy and heartwarming and all that jazz. In fact, I wish that when I work at home it looks like this ------------------------------------->>
That looks organized and peaceful and productive, doesn't it?

But you know around my house with a house that is in constant need of being cleaned, laundry that always needs to be done, dishes that are always piling up and needing washing minimum of three times a day, starting a business, paperwork to file, contracts and laws to write up, websites to build and maintain, marketing to put in place, funds to manage, bills to pay, checkbooks to balance, children who need attention, children who need food and diapers changed, and children who are always getting into something, screaming, loud noise, the constant loud noise of two young boys just existing, and their constant need to show mom something, all to be followed up with needing to cook three square meals a day for a family of six.... yah, my work at home life looks a lot more like this...

 ....and this

...and a lot of this





....and a bit of this.










And so while I sit here now listening to sirens blaring outside while some emergency vehicles go screeching down the busy road just south of my house, I try to focus and regain some sense of control of my day. I have to manage to many things that are all going different directions that sometimes I just feel like how could anyone think or say that working from home must be a blessing. "Oh, you work at home. That must be so wonderful to stay home with the kids." Yah. Clearly you haven't had to work at home. And don't get me wrong. I love my kiddos. I also love work and accomplishment and getting done what needs to be done and it is nearly impossible to do with children. Back I go into the crazy world of stay at home and business all wrapped into one.

Go Mommy GO!

I did it! Yes, I finished my first athletic event of any kind in my whole life. I placed 130 out of 219 runners in the 5K event yesterday with a time of 32:43. I am pretty proud of myself. I can't wait to keep going farther and train harder so I can do longer races with better times. The most wonderful thing was seeing my two babies with my husband and my mother in law waiting at the finish line cheering me on with signs and yelling, "Go, Mommy, Go!" It was truly awesome and I wanted to cry a little bit.

Here's I am crossing the finish. Yay #412!

My brother-in-law and I after three miles of running.

Trying to get a photo with the kiddos and their signs.

Me and my oldest son, Ashton. I was so happy to share my race day with the family.

For Love, for Memory, for Myself

Today's the day.

I started running about three months ago. Never have liked running before. Never was any good at it. Never had a reason to do it. Then four months ago today someone I loved dearly passed away very unexpectedly. It tore my heart out. Suddenly, I felt an urge to run. Maybe to run away from the pain. Maybe to run away from everyone around me who didn't understand. It gave me time alone to run towards the glorious sunsets of Albuquerque and just feel like I was with Spirit and at peace, even if only for 3 miles at a time.

And so, today, is my first race. I am doing a 5K race in just about an hour and I'm nervous. My tummy is full of butterflies. I am excited and unsure of the whole thing. I've never participated in anything athletic or competitive like this before. I look forward to getting to the end and seeing my babies and my husband cheering me on. In fact, tears come to my eyes now just thinking about it. My husband has been very supportive and encouraging. In just three months, I've gone from not being able to run for more than a minute to being able to run 3 miles without stopping. I don't know if I'll make it all 3 miles without stopping today but I hope with the love of my family, the memory of a friend, and the beautiful sky above me that I will make it all the way.

"Those who endure conquer."

Neverending Cinderella

My house was dirty. Not just messy but dirty. The floors were sticky with juice and food from the mouths of babes. Mud and dirt tracked in on shoes of the hardworking. Dust was collecting dust in various corners and surfaces in every room. Clothes and toys cluttered the bedrooms and not just their own but ours as well. Laundry, which is a pile that seems to remain the same insurmountable size, has been staring me in the face for awhile now. And even when the clothes actually get washed it's the ironing pile that really kicks me in the ass.

And so with this disgusting home becoming more than I could stand, I decided today would be the day to get some cleaning done. Now, every day I do the dishes by hand (because this house was not blessed with a dishwasher) nearly five times a day. And that was the case today as well. Dishes had been cleaned numerous times today. Laundry was getting done and put away. I began to vacuum and vacuum until every nook and cranny had been sucked on by the magically dirt collecting machine. I even got out the little hand vacuum to get all the edges and corners. Then I proceeded to get down on my hands and knees and scrub the enormous amount of tile flooring that we have. I scrubbed and washed and cleaned until it was shiny and presentable to the world again. No sooner did I finish cleaning did my four year old come hauling ass through the kitchen and living room straight from outside where he had been playing in the sandbox with his little brother.
Now, I don't know whether or not to just sigh and realize this is what comes with children territory and clean again or shoot myself. I mean, I knew that the house would not stay clean for long. I know this because every week I clean, shit, every day I clean and it appears as though I have done nothing. I don't really know what the point of me even pretending to get the house cleaned up is for? What are my efforts going towards? The five minutes of cleanliness that I get to watch while out of the corner of my eye I see two little boys just getting ready to throw every toy they own back on the floor, trek mud through the house, and drop food and drinks in their paths like a couple little Hansel and Gretels trying to find their way back home.
It is really starting to get on my mother and housewife nerves. I know everyone feels it. I know it comes and goes with intensity. However, today was just one of those days. I feel like I am down on my knees scrubbing and cleaning just so I can be locked up in the tower never to go to the ball. A goddamn Cinderella story that is never ending. Sure, I have the most amazing Prince Charming already on lock and my kids are the most adorable, sweetest, and genius little critters on the planet but all that aside... well, I have my moments of selfish, ungratefulness and often just want to have a clean house and some quite time. I just want to stop cleaning and cooking and washing and ironing and talking in vain. Ah, that must be the housewife/mother's prayer.

Camping Vibe In, Laziness Out

We spent a great weekend out at the City of Rocks Nat'l Park out by Silver City, NM Friday and Saturday. It was a little rough camping with two tiny children but we are getting better at it. The stress and toughness of having the babes with us was nothing compared the awesomeness we encountered during our trip down south.

My four year old son had the choice of either going to a place with rocks for climbing (City of Rocks) or somewhere up by Red River with a stream and forest. When he picked the rock place we honestly were not that excited. When we were almost there we seriously thought, "We are in the middle of nothing and there are not any rocks of any kind any where." And then all of a sudden we went over a hill and there it was. This sort of Stonehenge-like cluster of rocks. A huge cluster. I'm talking a mile or two wide and about a mile across. It was so cool! We completely geeked out.

Our campsite

My husband had reserved one of the kind of secluded camp sites that was so perfect that I think we plan to reserve that spot for future trips to the City of Rocks. We camped, we made fire, we roasted marshmallows, grilled hot dogs, hiked, climbed on rocks, and all of the wonderful fun that ensues when camping. Our four year old was a little sick when we left and had a full blown cold by the beginning of day two but we had so much fun before we packed up a little early and headed home.

Me and my two kiddos

We did a total of about 5 miles hiking that day. So fun!

My four year old loves to climb and run.

My husband and two boys

My husband climbing up these huge rocks!

When we got home and got up the next day we decided we had such a great time in the outdoors that we wanted to continue that active pace and keep away from our tv. We are admitted television addicts. We'll be the first to admit it. But we love, love, love being outdoors. I love running. My husband love mountain biking. Our children absolutely love being outside and particularly in water. But somehow we spend a lot of time sucked into tv land. And so with our fun weekend camping we wanted to bring home the feeling of being away from the tv and enjoying life and getting shit done. Hopefully this will continue past day one and we can work on a change of pace here. It's been wonderful so far and I'm stoked to keep it up.

First 5K Race, Here I Come

In just about eight or nine short weeks I have gone from not being able to run for more than two minutes at a time to being able to run my whole 3.1 miles without stopping. I am so amazed and so proud of myself. When I first started running I couldn't even fathom what it would be like to run the whole three mile loop. I was exhausted and huffing and puffing like I was going to pass out after running for like three minutes. My first 5K race is still three weeks away so I have plenty of time to pick up my pace a little before I actually cross the finish line. And I can't wait. I simply can't wait to see my husband and my two boys waiting for me at the end of my first race. I have never competed in anything before. I have never participated in sports in any way. So to set this goal and achieve it is going to be the best feeling in the world.
I haven't even done this race yet and I've set my schedule and training program in place to prepare for a 10K next. I know if I thought it was impossible to do 5K in eight weeks but here I am running 3 miles better and better each time that I can do 6 miles before I know it. I have another 5K race lined up for February and I should be able to do the 10K early spring when it warms up a little. I don't care to run in the cold but luckily we live in NM and it's not often too "cold" comparatively with say, oh Chicago! So here's to reaching goals and setting sights higher and higher. I am so excited.

In Need of a Power-Up

This is me. Yep, exhausted to the point where I just want to stop where I am, lay down, and sleep, for a long, long time.

There are many contributing factors to my tiredness. I feel overworked and overwhelmed with many duties that I have and the stress that is coming with them is probably making me even more so exhausted. Taking care of my two little boys, definitely exhausting. Cleaning house, grocery shopping, laundry, cooking, etc. All the usual housewife and motherly things are really quite tiresome. And lastly, my stupid period is on the horizon, looming over me for the next day or two sucking my any last source of energy I have until I am as lifeless as corpse.

I hate feeling this way. I hate not having enough energy. I think doing work in front of this computer screen really zaps me too.  I have got to get a little plug in. You know, like an ipod or ipad or something. Just hook me up for a few hours and I'll have power bar at full tilt boogie. (sigh)

Money, the bane of my exisitence.

Let me preface with saying that I know I can budget. I know that my family's income is far less than the expenses we incur every month. Mostly, these expenses are not necessities but rather things we buy just because we want to. And this is becoming a big problem.

I am so sick and tired of not having any money. My husband goes and works at a job he hates (well mostly a company he hates) and every time we get his pay check it's long since spent before we even get to thinking about having anything extra. But we spend anyway and get those extras. And honestly at this point because I have forgone sticking to a budget like, oh let's say the day after we write up our budget, we are always in the rears now. It feels like there is no catching up.

Now here's my real gripe. I have several times in the last couple years offered to get a part time job. I would work at night because I stay at home and take care of our two little boys all day long. My husband always says, "no way." And here's his stance. He thinks I am already tired and stressed out enough as it is being a stay at home mom and working from home with my own business while trying to launch a new more in depth business than I've ever launched on my own. And when I'm tired and stressed out the whole world better watch out because I'm not going to lie, I am a stark raving mad bitch. I just lose it, especially if we throw hunger into the mix. Oh hell, you better just duck and cover people. Duck and cover. Also, he wonders when we will ever get to see each other. And not only will my new levels of tiredness and bitchiness create strain on our relationship but then not seeing each other will just make him crazy. I am okay with it and not because I don't love spending time with my husband but because I know I will just appreciate every second together even more.

So, how can I convince him to let me get a job so we can get out of this money hole and be able to enjoy our lives again? I have even told him it would be temporary but he says, "If it is only temporary then we will just be right back where we started if not worse so what's the point?" And yes, he does have valid points. All of his reasons as to why me getting a part time evening job are a bad idea make complete sense. However, I still disagree. I believe that for my own peace of mind and knowing that I am working to get us to a better financial state that I won't feel like his hard work every week won't seem so... well pointless. I mean, he works and works and for what? To continue to not have money? No thank you.  I suppose I believe that I would rather have more money and get a little ahead, if only for a while, than to get farther in the shit and have "happy relationships". Because to tell you the truth there is no happiness when the shit piles so high.

Solitude

There are some days, like today, when I just want to be left alone. I don't want to hear the constant noise that comes out of the mouths of my two toddler boys. I don't want to hear the constant crashing and banging of their toys. I don't want to hear the television or whining, or crying and babble that comes from a one year old and a four year old. I certainly don't need to hear any smart remarks from the peanut gallery (my husband) telling me that my bad mood isn't helping anybody today. Thanks, like I didn't know that. Guess I forgot to just flip the Good Mood/Bad Mood Switch under my arm and make this day stop sucking.
It isn't even that this day sucks. For the most part it is just like any other day. The chores are the same and the daily routine is right on track. I just want to go away from it all though. I just want to be left alone! It isn't any one's fault that I am feeling so dumpy or grouchy it just is this way sometimes. I suppose it is a compiling list of things that is growing angrily inside me that is making me a little edgy but they are my issues and no one else's.
Like, we have no money. We actually have less than no money. So, while we sit around this house going bonkers with each other (me and the kids) we can't afford to go do anything if there was anything to be done. I usually try to do errands just to get us out of the house for awhile but when you don't have money for groceries you can't go do that. It's far to hot to go to the zoo plus our zoo membership just expired and I don't have the eighty bucks to renew it for the year. The kids are too small to go the movies, which I don't have money for anyway. They can't go to Hinkle Family Fun Center because they are too small and again, no money.
I get frustrated with all these things related to money but I am having a hard time trying to wrangle in our finances because I want to keep enjoying life and to me that usually means participating in it which costs money.
I am angry with not being able to deal with the loss of one of the great loves of my life who just passed away a little over a month ago. I can't actually feel or express my feelings for this because no one in my household gives a shit about it. My parents hated him and my husband doesn't understand because as far he has known me Ryan hasn't even been in my life except for a few months when we worked together nearly four years ago. I miss him so much and I have so many unresolved emotions and issues regarding this situation and him and everything involved with his passing that it generally makes me angry. 
I want to work. I want to be able to focus on getting educated enough to actually run my business the right way and make money. I can't do any work because I constantly have two little children attached to me. Like right now, the little one is just having a fit because I raised my voice at the other one. And so he is literally attaching himself to me.
I am trying to get my life in order. I am trying to get plans laid out so that I have some idea where I am going. I am trying to create goals. But it often seems like what is the fucking point when my whole life has to revolve around keeping these two kids entertained all damn day? How am I supposed to get ahead in life and make some damn money to get the things I want and need when I have no space to breath much less anything else?
I am just having one of those days where it seems like nothing is possible. My husband tells me to stop being such a mother martyr and just do what I want to do and everyone around me will help me make that happen. Yah, right. That sounds good and all but in reality that isn't the case. I have to be here to take care of these kids because we can't afford to put them in daycare/preschool and so I can't go to school or get a job because we'd be so far in debt it isn't even funny. And so here I sit every day. Just me and these kids trying to not lose our minds.
Tomorrow, I hope is a better day. This one is turning out to be a real pisser.

Feeling Good Just Feeling

I am on Week 1 Day 6 into my 8 week training schedule for my first 5K.

I have never much cared for running. But suddenly, out of no where really, I just decided it was time to stop being such a damn couch potato and get up and do something. I was tired of being tired and feeling like a mooshy glob of human flesh that just did what was needed from my day and nothing more. I suddenly needed to feel alive. And sometimes feeling alive means feeling your body. Feeling the pain of muscles getting used and soreness in places you didn't know were getting worked. Maybe part of it was losing someone so very close to me recently. Maybe seeing his life cut short when he had so much more life to live made me think I need to stop just getting by and set a goal and do something that made me proud of myself. I also have a friend in Washington who has been doing a lot of running and doing races and posting pictures of it on Facebook. And watching her made me really think, "I can do that!"

So, I got up off my ass and hit the road. Started a running program that is going to get me ready to do my first race in about 8 weeks. And so far, I am proud of myself. It is actually quite refreshing to get out there and just run. To be alone, listening to my music, and just run and feel my body working and pushing myself to go farther and try harder.... all of that so far has been wonderful. It has been wonderful for my spirit which has been having a hard time finding the light. It has been good for my mind and my heart to challenge myself and know that I can do this challenge. It has only been six days and all of this is happening within me and soon I will also see improvement on the outside. My scrawny little stick figure body will have more muscle and strength and I am looking forward to having a slim, tone, and beautiful body to go with my new beautiful and healthy soul.

Run, Samantha, Run!

It is day three in my Couch to 5K training program. I hurt all over. Muscles I never knew I had are aching and burning. And I have not felt better in a long time.

I had decided I was tired of just sitting around on my ass. I was tired of being so lazy and so complacent with my laziness. A friend of mine who lives in Spanway, WA has been posting on Facebook about running. She has been doing a few races and has really inspired me to just get up and run. So I did. I came across a program called Couch to 5K and I started in three days ago. In 8 short weeks I will be able to run for 30 minutes without stopping. I should be able to run a 5K easily. And I plan to. I am going to run in a race I found in Albuquerque that is in September which will be about 3 weeks after my training program ends. I am actually excited. I never really thought I liked running but I am enjoying it so far.

Today while on my run (which is currently set to be run for 1 minute and walk for 2 minutes and repeat 10x) I realized that the old, lazy me would have given up. I was having cramps in my sides and felt like I wasn't going to be able to go on. But I did. I told myself to just keep going. And I was proud of myself. I was actually thinking, "I can do this!"

I can't until my race!

Car Wash

My husband was going to be home yesterday after traveling a few days out of town. Just before his work travels he had spent three days out in Gallup doing a 24 Hour Mountain Bike Race. His truck was filthy. It's a black truck so it shows every little spec of dirt on it and believe me, it was covered in dirt. My truck also was pretty dirty. I hadn't washed it in months. So I decided since yesterday my husband was coming home and the trucks needed cleaning and me and my four year old son needed to get outside that we would have a car wash in the yard.
We got out the kiddie pool. There was lots of water, lots of soap, and lots and lots of sun! It was nearly 100 degrees yesterday and we spent nearly all of the day outside. I hadn't thought of putting on sunblock because I didn't think it would take all day to wash to cars by hand. I thought wrong.
But it was fun and me and my son had a good time. I got more exercise than I had anticipated too. My husband came home mid-afternoon and was pleased to see his clean truck, inside and out. And all of us even got into the kiddie pool to cool off with margaritas for us and Capri Suns for my son.
All and all, even though I later realized I was burnt on my back side to a crispy nugget, it was a great day. I was happy my hubby was home and me and my son had fun playing in the water and sun together.

Finding Peace

Tuesday, June 21, 2011 was day of Summer Solstice. My best friend invited me to join her at a temezcal in Los Lunas. I wasn't really sure what it was but it sounded interesting and given my current spiritual state I figured it had to help.

Here is the temezcal. It is a sweat lodge made from volcanic rock and cement with a cedar burning fire on the outside that heats the inside, kind of like a sauna. I learned there that it is for healing and cleansing of your mind, body, and spirit. During the temezcal the four directions are honored and the symbols of each direction. It was very spiritual and very relaxing with a great, warm, generous, and loving energy. The people that were in attendance and the healers and the leaders and cudanderismo students were all wonderful.

During my experience at this ceremony I felt a huge release. I cried, a lot. Quite recently I lost someone very special and very close to my heart. He passed away just a month ago. May 18th to be exact. I have been having a difficult time dealing with this loss. It is unfathomable to me that he is gone. My intentions during this temezcal were to ask the universe for help to heal my heart and find a way to ease this pain. I truly felt that my friend came to help me that night. I felt him there. I felt him hold my hand. And I felt he heard me say that I love him but I have to let him go. I have to let this pain go because it will bring destruction to my life. I can already see that. After last night I have already felt more at peace with his passing. I am trying to accept his passing into spirit and know that he is still here. He will always be with us even if I cannot touch him or talk to him or see his beautiful smile in person, in the flesh. He is always here in spirit.
At temezcal they said the greatest gift you can give the Universe, or the Holy Spirit, is your heavy burdens. Let the Universe carry them for you. It is too heavy and too painful to keep here in life so release it to Holy Spirit to take for you. And I felt a piece of my burden go last night. I felt a little lighter. I am working on giving it all up. I think I feel guilty. If I give it up then it feels like not caring enough, not loving him, not showing my heartache and turmoil over this loss and that seems wrong. It seems like the best way to show how much I loved him is in how devastating and painful and depressed I am over it. And I think I know that I can be devastated. I am depressed and I am in pain. But I can give it up. I can release it and cry and feel and then give it up to the Holy Spirit to take from me so I can keep living. And I know Ryan (my lost friend, a true love of mine, a piece of my heart), I know he would want me to keep living and to be happy and to know that he is always here.
I am thankful my best friend took me to temezcal. I will be going back whenever they have it again. It is the place where I feel most connected to my heart, the earth, the universe, and spirit. I am happy I have found this place. I am feeling peace.