You Will Be Injured

I have started reading quite a bit about running and runners and all that goes with the sport. I am also in process of training for a 10K that is in about four weeks. This will be my longest distance so far. I'm nervous. But while reading about these amazing, super human ultrarunners, I am becoming more and more inspired with greater goals to reach for. However, one thing that I keep reading and coming across is that all runners get injured. There is no way around it. You will be injured.

Well, this I know already. The first two weeks I started to run at all my knees were a mess. This is what they looked like after my husband taped them with Kinesio tape.

They hurt and ached like I had never felt before. The tape worked along with a regiment of Fish Oil and joint compound vitamins. And so I continued on with my quest to become a runner.

Just yesterday I made it to four miles. I had a break between mile two and three but I still felt good and like I was really getting the hang of this running thing. Then about half way through mile three I felt an uncomfortable pain start in my knee and it just kept getting worse. I stopped a few times to massage my knee. I could feel a big knot in there. I can still feel it. But I managed to make it all the way to mile four. Whew! I know I am never going to get better if I just keep walking during my runs. I take too many breaks in my opinion. So, I pushed on. Then I took an Ibuprofen and stretched and it by mid afternoon it certainly seemed better.

I had an appointment to participate in a focus group that evening at 5:30 and while sitting there I could feel it starting up again. Maybe the Ibuprofen had worn off. I don't know but it was slowly kicking back into Painsville. After focus group I headed straight for a concert. We parked pretty far out so as to miss the traffic after the show. I looked at my husband and said, "let's run there." It was only about a quarter mile but no sooner did we stop for traffic at about 250 meters did I feel that intense pain in my knee. The hill to get down into the Pavilion was excruciatingly painful to maneuver down as my knee just started on fire. To make matters worse, I decided to jump up and down and rock out all night on my bum knee. I had to limp all the way out and back to the truck with a stiffened straight left leg.  I called it my Pimp Gimp Walk.

Today luckily it feels slightly better but not much. I am supposed to be running three miles today with some sprint intervals at the end. I do not see how that is going to happen. But I gotta say that the more I am held back and the less miles I can pack into my week, the worse I feel. I think to myself that I am never going to be a long distance endurance runner at this rate. But I just have to keep on. I know it will come and that injuries come to all. I can't over train or run on injured knees or I will really end up hurting myself and not be able to run at all. And now that it is practically my salvation for sanity I just can't have accept not running as an option.

So here's to the injured runners. May we heal quickly and effectively so that we may run a million miles.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.

Four Months of Tough Days...

and many more ahead.

It's been that long since you've gone. I have pulled it together enough to keep on with life. I keep the pain inside and don't let my tears shed unless I have a quick moment to myself and my thoughts. And when I think of all the things I still want to tell you I feel the aching hurt consume my entire being. I don't know how we get on in our hearts when we lose someone close to us.

The thing is that no one ever knew how much I loved him and no one will ever know. I myself just realized the depths of my love for you when you died. And you know, it's not like I would ever swap my husband for you. I love him more and he is the most amazing man I could ever ask for, truly is the best person for me and the best husband, father, everything. He is my love. That said, I still feel an empty space in my heart just for you. It was because of you and our relationship that really molded much of who I am today. Our friendship although rocky and sporadic, was still one of my most cherished friendships to this day. And even though is was always and still is very much a secretive kind of relationship and friendship I still feel that we knew it was special and that's what really mattered.

It has been hard these last few months. The next rest of my life will be much the same. It isn't fair or understandable when people die so young. Everyone who welcomed you into their lives loved you more than words could describe. We all miss you with an unfathomable pain and depth into our hearts that hurts each and every day.

See you in the sunrise and the sunset my friend. Love you always.

Should be working, need to be venting

It's Monday. Oh, glorious Monday. On this day I have a huge list of things that need to get done for work. I should be working on them right now but I am so stressed out about all of it already that if I don't spend ten minutes ranting about the situation I might explode.

Being able to work at home and stay here with the kids is supposed to be rewarding. It is supposed to be happiness and rainbows and joy and heartwarming and all that jazz. In fact, I wish that when I work at home it looks like this ------------------------------------->>
That looks organized and peaceful and productive, doesn't it?

But you know around my house with a house that is in constant need of being cleaned, laundry that always needs to be done, dishes that are always piling up and needing washing minimum of three times a day, starting a business, paperwork to file, contracts and laws to write up, websites to build and maintain, marketing to put in place, funds to manage, bills to pay, checkbooks to balance, children who need attention, children who need food and diapers changed, and children who are always getting into something, screaming, loud noise, the constant loud noise of two young boys just existing, and their constant need to show mom something, all to be followed up with needing to cook three square meals a day for a family of six.... yah, my work at home life looks a lot more like this...

 ....and this

...and a lot of this





....and a bit of this.










And so while I sit here now listening to sirens blaring outside while some emergency vehicles go screeching down the busy road just south of my house, I try to focus and regain some sense of control of my day. I have to manage to many things that are all going different directions that sometimes I just feel like how could anyone think or say that working from home must be a blessing. "Oh, you work at home. That must be so wonderful to stay home with the kids." Yah. Clearly you haven't had to work at home. And don't get me wrong. I love my kiddos. I also love work and accomplishment and getting done what needs to be done and it is nearly impossible to do with children. Back I go into the crazy world of stay at home and business all wrapped into one.

Go Mommy GO!

I did it! Yes, I finished my first athletic event of any kind in my whole life. I placed 130 out of 219 runners in the 5K event yesterday with a time of 32:43. I am pretty proud of myself. I can't wait to keep going farther and train harder so I can do longer races with better times. The most wonderful thing was seeing my two babies with my husband and my mother in law waiting at the finish line cheering me on with signs and yelling, "Go, Mommy, Go!" It was truly awesome and I wanted to cry a little bit.

Here's I am crossing the finish. Yay #412!

My brother-in-law and I after three miles of running.

Trying to get a photo with the kiddos and their signs.

Me and my oldest son, Ashton. I was so happy to share my race day with the family.

For Love, for Memory, for Myself

Today's the day.

I started running about three months ago. Never have liked running before. Never was any good at it. Never had a reason to do it. Then four months ago today someone I loved dearly passed away very unexpectedly. It tore my heart out. Suddenly, I felt an urge to run. Maybe to run away from the pain. Maybe to run away from everyone around me who didn't understand. It gave me time alone to run towards the glorious sunsets of Albuquerque and just feel like I was with Spirit and at peace, even if only for 3 miles at a time.

And so, today, is my first race. I am doing a 5K race in just about an hour and I'm nervous. My tummy is full of butterflies. I am excited and unsure of the whole thing. I've never participated in anything athletic or competitive like this before. I look forward to getting to the end and seeing my babies and my husband cheering me on. In fact, tears come to my eyes now just thinking about it. My husband has been very supportive and encouraging. In just three months, I've gone from not being able to run for more than a minute to being able to run 3 miles without stopping. I don't know if I'll make it all 3 miles without stopping today but I hope with the love of my family, the memory of a friend, and the beautiful sky above me that I will make it all the way.

"Those who endure conquer."

Neverending Cinderella

My house was dirty. Not just messy but dirty. The floors were sticky with juice and food from the mouths of babes. Mud and dirt tracked in on shoes of the hardworking. Dust was collecting dust in various corners and surfaces in every room. Clothes and toys cluttered the bedrooms and not just their own but ours as well. Laundry, which is a pile that seems to remain the same insurmountable size, has been staring me in the face for awhile now. And even when the clothes actually get washed it's the ironing pile that really kicks me in the ass.

And so with this disgusting home becoming more than I could stand, I decided today would be the day to get some cleaning done. Now, every day I do the dishes by hand (because this house was not blessed with a dishwasher) nearly five times a day. And that was the case today as well. Dishes had been cleaned numerous times today. Laundry was getting done and put away. I began to vacuum and vacuum until every nook and cranny had been sucked on by the magically dirt collecting machine. I even got out the little hand vacuum to get all the edges and corners. Then I proceeded to get down on my hands and knees and scrub the enormous amount of tile flooring that we have. I scrubbed and washed and cleaned until it was shiny and presentable to the world again. No sooner did I finish cleaning did my four year old come hauling ass through the kitchen and living room straight from outside where he had been playing in the sandbox with his little brother.
Now, I don't know whether or not to just sigh and realize this is what comes with children territory and clean again or shoot myself. I mean, I knew that the house would not stay clean for long. I know this because every week I clean, shit, every day I clean and it appears as though I have done nothing. I don't really know what the point of me even pretending to get the house cleaned up is for? What are my efforts going towards? The five minutes of cleanliness that I get to watch while out of the corner of my eye I see two little boys just getting ready to throw every toy they own back on the floor, trek mud through the house, and drop food and drinks in their paths like a couple little Hansel and Gretels trying to find their way back home.
It is really starting to get on my mother and housewife nerves. I know everyone feels it. I know it comes and goes with intensity. However, today was just one of those days. I feel like I am down on my knees scrubbing and cleaning just so I can be locked up in the tower never to go to the ball. A goddamn Cinderella story that is never ending. Sure, I have the most amazing Prince Charming already on lock and my kids are the most adorable, sweetest, and genius little critters on the planet but all that aside... well, I have my moments of selfish, ungratefulness and often just want to have a clean house and some quite time. I just want to stop cleaning and cooking and washing and ironing and talking in vain. Ah, that must be the housewife/mother's prayer.