Solitude

There are some days, like today, when I just want to be left alone. I don't want to hear the constant noise that comes out of the mouths of my two toddler boys. I don't want to hear the constant crashing and banging of their toys. I don't want to hear the television or whining, or crying and babble that comes from a one year old and a four year old. I certainly don't need to hear any smart remarks from the peanut gallery (my husband) telling me that my bad mood isn't helping anybody today. Thanks, like I didn't know that. Guess I forgot to just flip the Good Mood/Bad Mood Switch under my arm and make this day stop sucking.
It isn't even that this day sucks. For the most part it is just like any other day. The chores are the same and the daily routine is right on track. I just want to go away from it all though. I just want to be left alone! It isn't any one's fault that I am feeling so dumpy or grouchy it just is this way sometimes. I suppose it is a compiling list of things that is growing angrily inside me that is making me a little edgy but they are my issues and no one else's.
Like, we have no money. We actually have less than no money. So, while we sit around this house going bonkers with each other (me and the kids) we can't afford to go do anything if there was anything to be done. I usually try to do errands just to get us out of the house for awhile but when you don't have money for groceries you can't go do that. It's far to hot to go to the zoo plus our zoo membership just expired and I don't have the eighty bucks to renew it for the year. The kids are too small to go the movies, which I don't have money for anyway. They can't go to Hinkle Family Fun Center because they are too small and again, no money.
I get frustrated with all these things related to money but I am having a hard time trying to wrangle in our finances because I want to keep enjoying life and to me that usually means participating in it which costs money.
I am angry with not being able to deal with the loss of one of the great loves of my life who just passed away a little over a month ago. I can't actually feel or express my feelings for this because no one in my household gives a shit about it. My parents hated him and my husband doesn't understand because as far he has known me Ryan hasn't even been in my life except for a few months when we worked together nearly four years ago. I miss him so much and I have so many unresolved emotions and issues regarding this situation and him and everything involved with his passing that it generally makes me angry. 
I want to work. I want to be able to focus on getting educated enough to actually run my business the right way and make money. I can't do any work because I constantly have two little children attached to me. Like right now, the little one is just having a fit because I raised my voice at the other one. And so he is literally attaching himself to me.
I am trying to get my life in order. I am trying to get plans laid out so that I have some idea where I am going. I am trying to create goals. But it often seems like what is the fucking point when my whole life has to revolve around keeping these two kids entertained all damn day? How am I supposed to get ahead in life and make some damn money to get the things I want and need when I have no space to breath much less anything else?
I am just having one of those days where it seems like nothing is possible. My husband tells me to stop being such a mother martyr and just do what I want to do and everyone around me will help me make that happen. Yah, right. That sounds good and all but in reality that isn't the case. I have to be here to take care of these kids because we can't afford to put them in daycare/preschool and so I can't go to school or get a job because we'd be so far in debt it isn't even funny. And so here I sit every day. Just me and these kids trying to not lose our minds.
Tomorrow, I hope is a better day. This one is turning out to be a real pisser.

Feeling Good Just Feeling

I am on Week 1 Day 6 into my 8 week training schedule for my first 5K.

I have never much cared for running. But suddenly, out of no where really, I just decided it was time to stop being such a damn couch potato and get up and do something. I was tired of being tired and feeling like a mooshy glob of human flesh that just did what was needed from my day and nothing more. I suddenly needed to feel alive. And sometimes feeling alive means feeling your body. Feeling the pain of muscles getting used and soreness in places you didn't know were getting worked. Maybe part of it was losing someone so very close to me recently. Maybe seeing his life cut short when he had so much more life to live made me think I need to stop just getting by and set a goal and do something that made me proud of myself. I also have a friend in Washington who has been doing a lot of running and doing races and posting pictures of it on Facebook. And watching her made me really think, "I can do that!"

So, I got up off my ass and hit the road. Started a running program that is going to get me ready to do my first race in about 8 weeks. And so far, I am proud of myself. It is actually quite refreshing to get out there and just run. To be alone, listening to my music, and just run and feel my body working and pushing myself to go farther and try harder.... all of that so far has been wonderful. It has been wonderful for my spirit which has been having a hard time finding the light. It has been good for my mind and my heart to challenge myself and know that I can do this challenge. It has only been six days and all of this is happening within me and soon I will also see improvement on the outside. My scrawny little stick figure body will have more muscle and strength and I am looking forward to having a slim, tone, and beautiful body to go with my new beautiful and healthy soul.