Neverending Cinderella

My house was dirty. Not just messy but dirty. The floors were sticky with juice and food from the mouths of babes. Mud and dirt tracked in on shoes of the hardworking. Dust was collecting dust in various corners and surfaces in every room. Clothes and toys cluttered the bedrooms and not just their own but ours as well. Laundry, which is a pile that seems to remain the same insurmountable size, has been staring me in the face for awhile now. And even when the clothes actually get washed it's the ironing pile that really kicks me in the ass.

And so with this disgusting home becoming more than I could stand, I decided today would be the day to get some cleaning done. Now, every day I do the dishes by hand (because this house was not blessed with a dishwasher) nearly five times a day. And that was the case today as well. Dishes had been cleaned numerous times today. Laundry was getting done and put away. I began to vacuum and vacuum until every nook and cranny had been sucked on by the magically dirt collecting machine. I even got out the little hand vacuum to get all the edges and corners. Then I proceeded to get down on my hands and knees and scrub the enormous amount of tile flooring that we have. I scrubbed and washed and cleaned until it was shiny and presentable to the world again. No sooner did I finish cleaning did my four year old come hauling ass through the kitchen and living room straight from outside where he had been playing in the sandbox with his little brother.
Now, I don't know whether or not to just sigh and realize this is what comes with children territory and clean again or shoot myself. I mean, I knew that the house would not stay clean for long. I know this because every week I clean, shit, every day I clean and it appears as though I have done nothing. I don't really know what the point of me even pretending to get the house cleaned up is for? What are my efforts going towards? The five minutes of cleanliness that I get to watch while out of the corner of my eye I see two little boys just getting ready to throw every toy they own back on the floor, trek mud through the house, and drop food and drinks in their paths like a couple little Hansel and Gretels trying to find their way back home.
It is really starting to get on my mother and housewife nerves. I know everyone feels it. I know it comes and goes with intensity. However, today was just one of those days. I feel like I am down on my knees scrubbing and cleaning just so I can be locked up in the tower never to go to the ball. A goddamn Cinderella story that is never ending. Sure, I have the most amazing Prince Charming already on lock and my kids are the most adorable, sweetest, and genius little critters on the planet but all that aside... well, I have my moments of selfish, ungratefulness and often just want to have a clean house and some quite time. I just want to stop cleaning and cooking and washing and ironing and talking in vain. Ah, that must be the housewife/mother's prayer.

Camping Vibe In, Laziness Out

We spent a great weekend out at the City of Rocks Nat'l Park out by Silver City, NM Friday and Saturday. It was a little rough camping with two tiny children but we are getting better at it. The stress and toughness of having the babes with us was nothing compared the awesomeness we encountered during our trip down south.

My four year old son had the choice of either going to a place with rocks for climbing (City of Rocks) or somewhere up by Red River with a stream and forest. When he picked the rock place we honestly were not that excited. When we were almost there we seriously thought, "We are in the middle of nothing and there are not any rocks of any kind any where." And then all of a sudden we went over a hill and there it was. This sort of Stonehenge-like cluster of rocks. A huge cluster. I'm talking a mile or two wide and about a mile across. It was so cool! We completely geeked out.

Our campsite

My husband had reserved one of the kind of secluded camp sites that was so perfect that I think we plan to reserve that spot for future trips to the City of Rocks. We camped, we made fire, we roasted marshmallows, grilled hot dogs, hiked, climbed on rocks, and all of the wonderful fun that ensues when camping. Our four year old was a little sick when we left and had a full blown cold by the beginning of day two but we had so much fun before we packed up a little early and headed home.

Me and my two kiddos

We did a total of about 5 miles hiking that day. So fun!

My four year old loves to climb and run.

My husband and two boys

My husband climbing up these huge rocks!

When we got home and got up the next day we decided we had such a great time in the outdoors that we wanted to continue that active pace and keep away from our tv. We are admitted television addicts. We'll be the first to admit it. But we love, love, love being outdoors. I love running. My husband love mountain biking. Our children absolutely love being outside and particularly in water. But somehow we spend a lot of time sucked into tv land. And so with our fun weekend camping we wanted to bring home the feeling of being away from the tv and enjoying life and getting shit done. Hopefully this will continue past day one and we can work on a change of pace here. It's been wonderful so far and I'm stoked to keep it up.

First 5K Race, Here I Come

In just about eight or nine short weeks I have gone from not being able to run for more than two minutes at a time to being able to run my whole 3.1 miles without stopping. I am so amazed and so proud of myself. When I first started running I couldn't even fathom what it would be like to run the whole three mile loop. I was exhausted and huffing and puffing like I was going to pass out after running for like three minutes. My first 5K race is still three weeks away so I have plenty of time to pick up my pace a little before I actually cross the finish line. And I can't wait. I simply can't wait to see my husband and my two boys waiting for me at the end of my first race. I have never competed in anything before. I have never participated in sports in any way. So to set this goal and achieve it is going to be the best feeling in the world.
I haven't even done this race yet and I've set my schedule and training program in place to prepare for a 10K next. I know if I thought it was impossible to do 5K in eight weeks but here I am running 3 miles better and better each time that I can do 6 miles before I know it. I have another 5K race lined up for February and I should be able to do the 10K early spring when it warms up a little. I don't care to run in the cold but luckily we live in NM and it's not often too "cold" comparatively with say, oh Chicago! So here's to reaching goals and setting sights higher and higher. I am so excited.

In Need of a Power-Up

This is me. Yep, exhausted to the point where I just want to stop where I am, lay down, and sleep, for a long, long time.

There are many contributing factors to my tiredness. I feel overworked and overwhelmed with many duties that I have and the stress that is coming with them is probably making me even more so exhausted. Taking care of my two little boys, definitely exhausting. Cleaning house, grocery shopping, laundry, cooking, etc. All the usual housewife and motherly things are really quite tiresome. And lastly, my stupid period is on the horizon, looming over me for the next day or two sucking my any last source of energy I have until I am as lifeless as corpse.

I hate feeling this way. I hate not having enough energy. I think doing work in front of this computer screen really zaps me too.  I have got to get a little plug in. You know, like an ipod or ipad or something. Just hook me up for a few hours and I'll have power bar at full tilt boogie. (sigh)

Money, the bane of my exisitence.

Let me preface with saying that I know I can budget. I know that my family's income is far less than the expenses we incur every month. Mostly, these expenses are not necessities but rather things we buy just because we want to. And this is becoming a big problem.

I am so sick and tired of not having any money. My husband goes and works at a job he hates (well mostly a company he hates) and every time we get his pay check it's long since spent before we even get to thinking about having anything extra. But we spend anyway and get those extras. And honestly at this point because I have forgone sticking to a budget like, oh let's say the day after we write up our budget, we are always in the rears now. It feels like there is no catching up.

Now here's my real gripe. I have several times in the last couple years offered to get a part time job. I would work at night because I stay at home and take care of our two little boys all day long. My husband always says, "no way." And here's his stance. He thinks I am already tired and stressed out enough as it is being a stay at home mom and working from home with my own business while trying to launch a new more in depth business than I've ever launched on my own. And when I'm tired and stressed out the whole world better watch out because I'm not going to lie, I am a stark raving mad bitch. I just lose it, especially if we throw hunger into the mix. Oh hell, you better just duck and cover people. Duck and cover. Also, he wonders when we will ever get to see each other. And not only will my new levels of tiredness and bitchiness create strain on our relationship but then not seeing each other will just make him crazy. I am okay with it and not because I don't love spending time with my husband but because I know I will just appreciate every second together even more.

So, how can I convince him to let me get a job so we can get out of this money hole and be able to enjoy our lives again? I have even told him it would be temporary but he says, "If it is only temporary then we will just be right back where we started if not worse so what's the point?" And yes, he does have valid points. All of his reasons as to why me getting a part time evening job are a bad idea make complete sense. However, I still disagree. I believe that for my own peace of mind and knowing that I am working to get us to a better financial state that I won't feel like his hard work every week won't seem so... well pointless. I mean, he works and works and for what? To continue to not have money? No thank you.  I suppose I believe that I would rather have more money and get a little ahead, if only for a while, than to get farther in the shit and have "happy relationships". Because to tell you the truth there is no happiness when the shit piles so high.

Solitude

There are some days, like today, when I just want to be left alone. I don't want to hear the constant noise that comes out of the mouths of my two toddler boys. I don't want to hear the constant crashing and banging of their toys. I don't want to hear the television or whining, or crying and babble that comes from a one year old and a four year old. I certainly don't need to hear any smart remarks from the peanut gallery (my husband) telling me that my bad mood isn't helping anybody today. Thanks, like I didn't know that. Guess I forgot to just flip the Good Mood/Bad Mood Switch under my arm and make this day stop sucking.
It isn't even that this day sucks. For the most part it is just like any other day. The chores are the same and the daily routine is right on track. I just want to go away from it all though. I just want to be left alone! It isn't any one's fault that I am feeling so dumpy or grouchy it just is this way sometimes. I suppose it is a compiling list of things that is growing angrily inside me that is making me a little edgy but they are my issues and no one else's.
Like, we have no money. We actually have less than no money. So, while we sit around this house going bonkers with each other (me and the kids) we can't afford to go do anything if there was anything to be done. I usually try to do errands just to get us out of the house for awhile but when you don't have money for groceries you can't go do that. It's far to hot to go to the zoo plus our zoo membership just expired and I don't have the eighty bucks to renew it for the year. The kids are too small to go the movies, which I don't have money for anyway. They can't go to Hinkle Family Fun Center because they are too small and again, no money.
I get frustrated with all these things related to money but I am having a hard time trying to wrangle in our finances because I want to keep enjoying life and to me that usually means participating in it which costs money.
I am angry with not being able to deal with the loss of one of the great loves of my life who just passed away a little over a month ago. I can't actually feel or express my feelings for this because no one in my household gives a shit about it. My parents hated him and my husband doesn't understand because as far he has known me Ryan hasn't even been in my life except for a few months when we worked together nearly four years ago. I miss him so much and I have so many unresolved emotions and issues regarding this situation and him and everything involved with his passing that it generally makes me angry. 
I want to work. I want to be able to focus on getting educated enough to actually run my business the right way and make money. I can't do any work because I constantly have two little children attached to me. Like right now, the little one is just having a fit because I raised my voice at the other one. And so he is literally attaching himself to me.
I am trying to get my life in order. I am trying to get plans laid out so that I have some idea where I am going. I am trying to create goals. But it often seems like what is the fucking point when my whole life has to revolve around keeping these two kids entertained all damn day? How am I supposed to get ahead in life and make some damn money to get the things I want and need when I have no space to breath much less anything else?
I am just having one of those days where it seems like nothing is possible. My husband tells me to stop being such a mother martyr and just do what I want to do and everyone around me will help me make that happen. Yah, right. That sounds good and all but in reality that isn't the case. I have to be here to take care of these kids because we can't afford to put them in daycare/preschool and so I can't go to school or get a job because we'd be so far in debt it isn't even funny. And so here I sit every day. Just me and these kids trying to not lose our minds.
Tomorrow, I hope is a better day. This one is turning out to be a real pisser.

Feeling Good Just Feeling

I am on Week 1 Day 6 into my 8 week training schedule for my first 5K.

I have never much cared for running. But suddenly, out of no where really, I just decided it was time to stop being such a damn couch potato and get up and do something. I was tired of being tired and feeling like a mooshy glob of human flesh that just did what was needed from my day and nothing more. I suddenly needed to feel alive. And sometimes feeling alive means feeling your body. Feeling the pain of muscles getting used and soreness in places you didn't know were getting worked. Maybe part of it was losing someone so very close to me recently. Maybe seeing his life cut short when he had so much more life to live made me think I need to stop just getting by and set a goal and do something that made me proud of myself. I also have a friend in Washington who has been doing a lot of running and doing races and posting pictures of it on Facebook. And watching her made me really think, "I can do that!"

So, I got up off my ass and hit the road. Started a running program that is going to get me ready to do my first race in about 8 weeks. And so far, I am proud of myself. It is actually quite refreshing to get out there and just run. To be alone, listening to my music, and just run and feel my body working and pushing myself to go farther and try harder.... all of that so far has been wonderful. It has been wonderful for my spirit which has been having a hard time finding the light. It has been good for my mind and my heart to challenge myself and know that I can do this challenge. It has only been six days and all of this is happening within me and soon I will also see improvement on the outside. My scrawny little stick figure body will have more muscle and strength and I am looking forward to having a slim, tone, and beautiful body to go with my new beautiful and healthy soul.